


Hastur Went a-Temptin'

by ZephyrOfAllTrades



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Inspired by the Grimm's Fairy Tales, Just Hastur, No Beta, The Frog Prince, a mess, but hopefully a good one, i think, mentions of discorporation, not that graphic, original fairy tales are worse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:14:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21511957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZephyrOfAllTrades/pseuds/ZephyrOfAllTrades
Summary: Hastur came to drag a Princess' soul to Hell - by saving her golden ball.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Hastur Went a-Temptin'

**Author's Note:**

> Angels use miracles. I dubbed demonic miracles as "curses" for this fic. For the sake of the dialogue.
> 
> This was typed out on my phone while waiting to get my driver's license processed. Did the little edits but no beta. Point out the mistakes if you see 'em! That'd be a great help.

The night was humid. It had to be. Near a bog and all that. But it suited the figure lurking in it – a demon, in the most literal sense of the word. In fact, he felt very much at home – enough so, that after ten minutes of squelching through the muddy waters he changed his shape from that of a man, in a scruffy calf-length cloak, to a frog.

This was his idea of blending in. There definitely were other frogs - until he shooed them off to claim the bog as his own. What he didn't want to say was that he just wanted to wallow in its cool waters.

He tried it doing it once, man-shaped, but got caught and people dragged him bodily back thinking he had been murdered and left to rot. The villagers ran off screaming when he finally sat up. They were screaming about reanimated corpses. You couldn't blame them. He smelled like one. He was too stunned to curse them and went off back to Hell believing they were all deranged. He wasn’t very fond of Earth.

This time he won't be bothered. If he was to stay on Earth for a couple of months, might as well get comfortable.

His mission was to corrupt the reigning monarch's daughter. The kingdom was too loved. Too peaceful. And nothing strikes unease than teenage rebellion, according to Management.

This particular Princess had been playing in the gardens near the bog for some time. She was sixteen, fair hair, sweet face, graceful figure. The picture of beauty. But she held quite a fascination over the bog. Particularly in the act of throwing things at a certain bog that had settled there.

Every child was mischievous, and Hastur made himself an easy target, being the only thing to aim at. He would have loved to incinerate the girl if it wasn't for his need to get the assignment over with. It was the only thing left to tie up before he be named a Duke of Hell. No Princess, no corruption, no Duke-dom. He let the relentless stick, pebble and glob of mud take him. He believed it was a trial before the promotion. He didn't consider dragging his lily pad a throw away towards a thick growth of reeds.

*****

The girl was generally harmless when alone. What Hastur had not seen was the child had been spoilt silly by her parents and had doted on her way too much. A week before, she had been given a golden ball to throw around.

It had been a marvelous toy. Shiny and new. She had shown it around and when everyone had seen it and easily got tired of it, and her. They left her alone. So she goes to the bog when everyone wasn't envying her anymore. They had better things to do, even the other children couldn't be bothered with a Princess. They were all pretty content with their lives in the relatively peaceful kingdom.

Not knowing where else to go, she came back to her favorite past time – making the frog in the middle of the bog move. She's never seen anything so still. At first she thought it was dead. But she saw it twitch the first few times she threw pebbles at it. Perhaps it was stuck. It never left. She wanted it to hop closer. She had taken a few into the kitchens before. The maids went screaming, and cook was found whimpering above the stove. She wanted to try again, this time perhaps making sure the stove was lit. But the frogs suddenly disappeared. Except for the lazy git she kept pestering.

She was throwing her ball up and down thinking of how else to cause chaos when the ball shot out towards the frog missing it a hands breath away. She was so used to throwing things at it that when the ball sat perfectly in her palm, she instinctively threw it that way. She wept. Not because her toy disappeared, she could wail at her parents ‘til they get her a new one. But because it was big enough to have squashed the creature and she actually missed the chance!

Hastur was intrigued with the orb. It was sparkling. It was gold. He had seen humans fight for over it. Steal it. Slit throats because of it. That was his chance of tainting the child. He felt his froggy grin when he saw her weep. He opened his mouth and spoke.

“I could get it for you.“

“Who is that?” She swiveled in place.

“Me.”

“Who?”

“Here!” He held out his hand to catch her attention.

“You can move!” she squealed.

“Of course I can,” he was getting irritated. Then again he didn't become a good lurker without knowing how to be patient.

“Wait. You can talk?” The Princess’ eyes were blown wide.

“I have a mouth and all you know, and tongue and tee….” he forgot he was still a frog. He croaked instead.

“That's neat,” the princess said.

“Yeah, uh,” he was unaccustomed to praise. He puffed his stomach out. “Pretty good curse isn’t it?”

“You're cursed and too full of yourself,” she wrinkled her nose in disgust, the novelty wearing off.

Hastur was beyond pleased. Anything bad said against him was a good thing. Well not good, bad. And he liked bad. You get what I mean.

Feeling confident, he began again, “I could get your gold thing for you. If you want. I can even give you more gold than that. For an exchange, of course.”

The girl was a skeptic. She'd heard about curses and talking animals, but she's still a skeptic. Not knowing it was a demon she was talking to, she readily accepted. She was bored. And she wanted to see how the frog would flail about to get her ball from underneath the sticky mud.

With a hop, the frog jumped towards the edge of the water and raised its webbed hand, or fore-foot, whatever it's called. It flapped its fingers, suckers, those _things_ … and there was her ball. In between them.

She shrugged, snatched the ball and ran, never looking back. One thing she knows about dealing with people – or animals, in this case – was that you can run away from them. Just make sure you have scarier thugs so you can hurt them before they hurt you. And being a Princess meant you have an army to bully people into making sure you get what you want.

From this point on, the reader should understand that Hastur didn't actually need a deal to condemn his target. Her soul was already being firmly etched into Hell's bad books. And the Management is already preparing his Dukedom. It was only the 13th century, and demons haven't had much practice in understanding humans. Only one demon could have seen that if he hung back long enough, he'd have gotten a good report without even lifting a finger. But he was part of a different story altogether.

Hastur was not a graceful creature. But he was a graceful hopper. And not knowing he could only hop a few inches as other frogs are wont to do, he bounded in yards almost keeping up with the Princess in her long skirts.

She ran into the castle and had told the guards to not let anybody in. She then threw herself into the parlour to settle her breath.

Hastur didn’t have a problem with the hopping. Nor did he have problems with the guards. He had a problem with the massive doors. Perhaps you’ve noticed that doors are terrible big when you were small and had to get on your tippy toes to grab the knob to open it. So imagine being a frog in front of a castle’s main door (no knobs), because he has quite forgotten how to change back to human now.

The guards on either side he had put to sleep without preamble. They lay there completely useless now. He could of course would have cursed himself in but he never trusted doors. He got himself discorporated one time after materializing on the other side and fell into a hole full of pikes. He couldn’t kick it down, he tried, but only managed to make his efforts sound like knocking.

Inside, the royal family was readying themselves for dinner. The servants having set the table, left them to eat. The King heard the knocking and frowned. He told her daughter to open the door – opening doors to strangers wasn’t a precaution the King had thought to instill, and the Princess may have well been kidnapped already had the kingdom been less perfect – he was pondering on whether he shall have veal or mutton first. It was a grave situation, indeed.

The child did as she was told. She played ‘polite and proper’ in front of her parents, she can’t have them disown her, obviously. She plans to berate the guards instead for falling asleep _again_. There was no visitor but she found the familiar frog launching himself unto the door again. She screamed and closed it hastily and heard a reassuring splat. Her grin faded when the King ran towards her. “What’s the matter my child?”

“Oh, it was nothing father. Just some frog who wanted to get it,” she said unaffected. “He helped retrieve my golden ball from the bog and wanted to come along with me.” She smirked for who would believe such a story even though it was the truth?

To her dismay her father did and opened the door to coax the frog in. Even before Hastur could get a word in, he began to apologize for her daughter’s behavior. He was offered a home in the castle, to dine with them and sleep on the Princess’ bed. The absurdity of it all made the Princess furious, and had devoutly made the frog’s short life miserable until her father chided her.

Her mother had also been very taken with the story and had escorted the Princess and her frog to her daughter’s bedchambers, but pulled her back out again as soon as the frog had been settled into her pillow.

“Now, my dear,” she started. “I am very much in earnest. For I am certain that that cursed frog shall bring you fortune. Perhaps a Prince’s soul is shackled to that hideous form. She whispered excitedly. But pray keep the secret. A curse is a peculiar thing. Should he know that you know, it may worsen. She said gravely. She was a dreamer. And had spent many hours by the garden or within the castle walls simply dreaming of fantastical things until she had skipped back and forth over that invisible line between reality and the impossible. Boredom is a very scary thing indeed.

“Mayhaps a kiss would serve you well before the evening ends,” the Queen winked, gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek and giggled her way back to her own sleeping quarters.

Any teenager would be put out by the implication of being matched with a frog, but then she remembered that the creature had promised her gold. So she resolved to see how much her troubles were worth.

Hastur was feed and almost choked the way the girl had shoved it into his mouth. If that was how humans eat, then he’s having none of that _food_ thing ever again. Humans and their weird ways. And now he was busy jumping towards the bedside table where he could leave the suffocating pillow. It was too soft for him to get a proper leap. His efforts just made him sink more. He was saved when the Princess took him out and placed him on the table he was aiming for.

“So, when you said you could give me more gold, what did that mean?” she asked coolly.

“Uh… I can give you more gold?” he waved towards one side of the room and there stood chests filled to the brim with gold coins and gold bars.

“That’s it?” she raised an eyebrow.

“What else do you want then?” the girl looked unimpressed, perhaps she was getting greedy. _The job is as good as done_ , he smiled to himself. It already was in fact, a few paragraphs ago.

“How about carriages? Silk? Jewels?”

“Yes, fine. I can give you all of that.” Another wave and there they were. (The carriages were outside of course.) _She’ll be wanting more even after I leave_ , Hastur thought. _She is on her way to becoming a menace to her people_.

“There is magic involved then,” she cradled the jewels affirming that they were real. “But you did say I have to exchange something. “

“Oh, it’s nothing really,” Hastur grinned, as much as a frog could. “Just… your soul,” he finished darkly.

The Princess stared at him, calm as you please. Hastur takes the silence as acquiescence. Remember he is yet a master of human behavior. If he was, he would have seen the glint in her eyes.

In one bold move, she snatched the slimy creature and tosses him out her window. Days of practice meant that she had a very powerful throwing arm. Leaning over the window she saw a tiny speck fall towards the cobbles. She noted the spot and ran to prod it with a dainty slipper before running back to check on her treasures. The courtyard sweepers would dispose of the frog’s form the next morning. Another roadkill to add to hundreds before it.

The Queen found the gifts and was delighted. When asked the whereabouts of the Frog Prince, the Princes said that he went back to his kingdom leaving the gifts behind with the promise to take her soon after he has prepared his domain for her as its future queen.

The story concludes with the Princess being married off to a real prince. She had greatly endorsed her dowry to the man and to avoid questions, she simply stated he was her Prince from long ago. The man did not get any other implication except perhaps as it was their fate to be together. Everyone else assumed he was the frog. She then hastily shipped herself and her fortune to foreign lands where she would rule in tyranny ever after.

*Paperwork for finding Hastur a new body took years, but he was never that keen on being above ground and he was saved the embarrassment of having to relay his report in frog form.*

**Author's Note:**

> No research. And no kisses, sorry. Hastur might have screamed but also kill the Princess in the process.
> 
> The idea was rankling in my head for an hour. Twitchy fingers found my phone and look at that... I made a thing!
> 
> Boredom is both a blessing and a curse. :))


End file.
